I’m in two minds whether to put this on the blog. It could well be rubbish. I need to be told if it is, but I need to be told gently. I’m not actually as hard as I like to make out. I need to be told what is wrong….structure, timing, concept, whatever. Obviously this is an observation of a situation that happened. I have shown it to a few really close friends, one said nothing, ignored it in fact. The other said they could hear it playing out in their head, another who is a stand up comedienne……if I’m still allowed to say that….asked if she could use it, but rewrite it. I agreed, so guys, tell me what you think, but be kind❤️

Hello, thank you for calling Leafy Bottom garden centre, you’re talking to Marjory. How may I help you?

Me: What!!

Oh sorry, what day is it?

Me: Tuesday…….

Hello, thank you for calling signage, lamp posts & paint. You’re talking to Marjorie. How may I help you?

Me: Hello Marjorie, I’m hoping you’re going to be able to help me with which lane to use when leaving the motorway.

Yes, I can do that. May I take your registration number?

Me: You can but I’m not su….Oh, why not? 

KN 03 ONE

Thank you, I’ll just pop you on hold whilst I get the map.

Thank you for holding, we have to push the desks together when we use the map! What county are you in?

Me: Kent

Ah, Kent…..

Silence

Rustling

Whispering

Can you give me a clue?

Me: We are usually in the bottom right hand corner, but sometimes top left if it’s upside down…….

More rustling

Ah, there you are, oh lovely, by the sea. Our Susan’s by the sea, she’s got one of those beach huts painted in sea turquoise. You can boil a kettle, but you can’t have a wee. Not for me I’m afraid, oh no, I like to be comfortable.

So, I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.

Me: Thelma

So Thelma, where would you like to leave the motorway?

Me: Junction 13, M20

And where are you now?

Me: I’m at home

I thought you wanted help with leaving the motorway?

Me: I do. OK, ( I put on my ‘do not mess with me I’m wearing a grey business suit & high heels’ voice!) I am approaching junction 13…..well it’s not just me, there are lots of us that are unsure. It’s confusing, it’s a right hand tur………

I’m sorry, how many of you need help to get off the motorway? Simon? Simon! Get the camera up….no just close it, close the motorway! There’s loads of people who can’t get off!!!

Me: It’s only in theory…non of us are on the motorway…..we need help to get off safely

Did you say, you are not on the motorway?

Me: No, we can do the motorway. It’s when we exit that the problem begins, we need someone to explain which lane we use on the exit.

Simon, open the motorway another timewaster…….., I’m sorry I only deal with the motorway. You need to speak to Stephanie. She’s exits. Her extension number is 26. Thank you for calling Leafy Bottom garden centre. You’ve been talking with Marjorie. Remember putting safety first, makes you last……..

Me: No wait……dialling tone… Fuck!!

Me: Hi Louise, fancy a drive?

That’s it guys❤️

Love M. XXX